


Ocean Eyes

by CloudF11



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, F/F, No Fluff, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, even out of context of HB this is still really painful, i'm living up to my nickname once again, seriously there is barely any fluff in this it's all pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-07 01:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15208043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudF11/pseuds/CloudF11
Summary: Truth or Dare was always a nightmare for her.But now, Yuri is starting to believe that it's a dream come true.A oneshot that takes place between parts one and two of JadeCrimson's "Happy Birthday"inspired by:ocean eyes - Billie Eilish





	Ocean Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JadeCrimson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadeCrimson/gifts).



> This oneshot will not make sense if you haven't read JadeCrimson's "Happy Birthday." Seriously, go read it. It's amazing.
> 
> tw for descriptions of self-harm. Warnings for the game apply here.

So far, it’s been three weeks since Sayori’s birthday party.

Twenty-one days of absolute hell.

Ever since Sayori kissed me that fateful night, I have been an absolute trainwreck. Club meetings are extremely awkward. The small talk between the two of us is excruciatingly painful, and my heart _aches_ when I see her. No, aching is an understatement. I feel like I’m experiencing heartburn every time I’m near her; my words seem to burn in my throat, and my chest hurts immensely.

And then, there’s Natsuki…

At this point, it is becoming increasingly difficult to differentiate my emotions. I’m unsure if my crush on Natsuki is genuine or not. I’m unsure if these feelings for Sayori are true feelings or if it’s just me clinging to the idea of someone actually loving me.

I fear that I am just in love with the idea of being in love.

Have I become so jaded and apathetic to the outside world that when faced with the idea of someone having feelings for me, I become obsessed with it?

I sighed heavily, giving up on trying to understand my thoughts and emotions right now. _I fall in love way too easily. What the hell am I going to do with this mess?_ I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to alleviate my oncoming migraine. _I should probably get to bed. It’s pretty late already._ I stood up from my sitting position on my bed and blew out my candle that sat on my desk.  

 _God, I haven’t slept well in days. I hope tonight will be different,_ I thought as I climbed into bed.

I closed my eyes and tried focused on my breathing, and fell asleep only moments later.

 

**[=]**

 

I never thought I’d be dreading the Literature Club.

Lately, I feel like I have to force myself to act like I normally would. It’s _immensely_ frustrating. My words feel fake, and my smile feels rehearsed. To top it all off, my emotions are still a mess, and keeping myself in control while under this stress is difficult.

I find myself standing at the door of the clubroom, hesitating to go inside. This shouldn’t be this goddamn hard. With my bag slung over my shoulder and a book in my arm, I apprehensively open the door.

_Please, universe, work in favor of me for once. Please let Monika be the only one in there._

“H-Hello?” I call out as I walk in, half-expecting a silent wave from Sayori, or an enthusiastic reply from Monika.

But as I walk in, I find that there’s nobody here.

 _What a relief._ I slump down into my desk by the window and open my book. Not a moment later, Monika walks into the clubroom. “Hey, Yuri! You’re early today.”

 _Early…?_ I pull out my smartphone and glance at the time. _I’m five minutes early. I suppose it’s better to be early than late._  “I-I suppose I am… I didn’t even realize.” 

“Yuri, are you doing alright?” Monika suddenly asks. “You’ve been kinda… I dunno, distant lately.”

 _So someone_ did _notice._ “W-Well, I… uh…”

Monika cuts me off, saving me from having to stutter more. “Just know that your Literature Club is here for you, okay?”

I nod silently. _I know she cares, but it’s kinda hard when you’re a self-deprecating freak to believe that._ I appreciate her intentions and her effort, but alas, words only get through if they’re sharp. _And the sharpest thing that can get through to me are my knives. Literally._

Just as I return to my book, Natsuki and Sayori walk through the door, chatting about something. I can’t help but to listen in. _My two “crushes” - if I can even call it that - talking? I can’t resist_ _._

“Tell me another one, Nat!” Sayori exclaimed, obviously entertained by whatever Natsuki was telling her.

“Okay, okay, so- alright, so you’ve got a one-story pink house, right?” Natsuki starts. “Inside of it, there’s a pink person, a pink cat, a pink fish, a pink table, a pink computer- you get the idea, everything was _fucking_ pink. But what color was the stairs?”

_Riddles, huh? Wouldn’t the answer be “the stairs don’t have a color because there are no stairs in the house?”_

“Oh, oh, oh! I’ve heard this one,” Sayori replies. “It’s a one-story house! There are no stairs, so they can’t have a color.”

“What the- well, _yeah,_ dummy. Obviously,” Natsuki says. It sounds like she’s upset that Sayori knew it already.

I glanced up from my book just in time to see Sayori practically _beaming._ “Wait! I’ve got something similar… hold on.”

“Lemme hear it.”

Sayori clears her throat. I wonder what riddle she could have hidden up her sleeve. “One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other. They drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and shot the two dead boys. If you don’t believe my lies are true, then just ask the blind man, because he saw it too!”

I didn’t see it, but I’m sure Natsuki’s jaw may have hit the floor. The only thing I heard from her lips were, “What the _fuck,_ Sayori.”

I chuckled softly. _Oh, Sayori._ Such an innocent and bright girl. I just wish I could see inside her mind, just to know what she thinks on a regular basis.

Natsuki shuffled past me in my peripherals as I went back to reading, and Sayori sat down in her usual seat; the desk in the farthest corner of the clubroom. I quick glance confirmed to me that she was doing the same thing she always does when she’s in a down mood; dragging an eraser down the desk, leaning into her hand.

I wish I _knew_ how to help her. I wish I _could_ help her. But how am I to help when I don’t know what the hell is wrong? I can feel my anxiety spiking up at just the thought. _Have you ever thought that maybe it’s you that’s the problem?_ But what about me is the problem? The fact that she _somehow_ likes me, or the fact that I’m a mess that can’t be bothered to address that kiss?

 _Oh yeah, that’s right._ _I’m the one who didn’t want to talk about it._ _I’m pathetic. Can’t even work out tension between myself and someone else._

Suddenly, Monika called out with her usual catchphrase, pulling me from my thoughts. “Okay, everyone! It’s poem sharing time!”

I pulled out my poem for today. I didn’t have much time nor the motivation to write anything new, so I just used my _Station Manager_ poem from Sayori’s party. I’m definitely not feeling it today, but I guess I’ll just have to deal with it for the time being. _Honestly, I need some tea to bring me back to life after the shit day I’ve had._

Sayori approached me first, her poem in hand. “H-Hello, Sayori,” I managed to choke out, my social anxiety and introversion creeping back in. “Here’s my p-poem.”

I handed her my poem and watched intently as her ocean blue eyes scanned over the page. _Those goddamn beautiful blue eyes of hers. I could fall into those two beautiful lakes. Her ocean eyes could swallow me up whole, and I don’t think I would mind. God, she’s so…_

_Stop._

I snapped out of my trance just as Sayori looked up from my poem. “This is really good! Kinda confusing though. I’m not sure what it’s about,” she said, a small smile on her face.

 _But is it a real smile, though?_ “Ah, thank you, Sayori,” I find myself half mumbling. I don’t feel like explaining the poem; I just want to get this sharing session done and over with. “May I see your poem, Sayori?”

She nodded, handing me her poem. I read her script carefully.

 

_I think I’d compare you to a flower._

 

_A delicate, cream white lily,_

 

_In the warm summer’s sun;_

 

_Your beauty is simply unearthly._

  
  


_The harsh sun beats down on you,_

 

_Just like your insecurities get you down._

 

_I try to keep you watered,_

 

_But you always seem to drown._

  
  


_I won’t give up on watering you, though_

 

_Even if the outcome is the same._

 

_I will try until I’m dead,_

 

_But I’m still the one to blame._

 

 

 

_I seem to kill whatever I touch,_

 

_And I’m sorry it’s the same with you._

 

_But it seems I have drowned myself,_

 

_And I’ve drowned your lilies, too._

 

Why is my heart beating so hard in my chest? I feel like my heart is going to _burst._ I can already feel my cheeks heating up at this. _Is this poem about me? About_ us _?_

I swallow hard. “U-Uhm, this is a… a r-really nice poem S-Sayori,” I manage to get out. “I really l-liked the… t-the imagery and metaphors you p-put in your poem.”

My arms suddenly felt _extremely_ itchy. _No, don’t let the urge overcome you._ “T-Thanks, Yuri… ehehe.”

She smiled warmly at me, her perfect blue eyes meeting mine. My arms seemed to be set ablaze. _I don’t need it. I don’t need it. I absolutely do_ not _need it._ I scratched my arm anxiously, only for the urge to become worse, like a mosquito bite that you have scratched until it’s a scab.

“I-Igottagodosomething!” I exclaimed before pacing out of the clubroom, feeling extremely dizzy.

_The bathroom is too obvious, and they know I go to the drinking fountain to make tea. I need to go somewhere where they’d least expect me._

I ran through the halls, panting heavily as I tried to find a secluded spot. That’s when I saw it; the computer lab. _There’s a bathroom off the side of it, so I can go in there if I need to_ . I sat down in the corner of the dark room, shrouded by several computers and tables. _They’d have to look real close to find me._

I need an excuse. Thinking one up on the spot isn’t going to do me any good, so I need one now. _I’ll just say I realized I forgot something and had to go get it, and that I put it away in my locker. Not entirely convincing, but at least Natsuki and Monika won’t know a thing. Sayori, though…_

I carefully retrieved the small knife from my pocket. I’m a fool to bring this with me to school, but a razor from a pencil sharpener can only help ease the stress so much. I… I need the feel of the cold, metal of a knife against my skin to feel release.

 _You shouldn’t be doing this,_ my mind screamed at me as I rolled up both my sleeves. I traced a few of my scars; some old, some new, some deep, some not so deep. _But I frankly don’t give a shit right now._

I slowly pressed the sharp metal of the knife against my skin. I bit down on my lip to distract from the sudden pain in my arm and to keep me from making noises. The blood came up to the surface of my skin. I admired it’s crimson color, and the exhilarating rush that always came with bringing a knife to my arms.

_But not as good as kissing Sayori, right?_

I pressed the knife into my other arm, harder this time. _Every time you let yourself succumb to these so called “feelings” you have for Sayori, it guarantees another open wound on your arms_ _. You’re supposed to be crushing on Natsuki._

_She’s your friend. What do you think would happen if you two got together and then broke up, huh? You’d have nothing but bittersweet memories, regret, and awkward conversations._

My own mind seemed to have turned against me as it continued to assault me with words. _Are you sure she even likes you?_ If she didn’t feel that way, why would she have kissed me? _She pities you, fool._ She cares! _But can you be sure?_

With each new doubt came another line splayed across my forearm. _Look at you. Can’t even confront her. Foolish._

Tears began to stream down my face in frustration, as the blood continued to pour from my arms. _WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO GODDAMN DIFFICULT? WHY CAN’T I BE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING?!_

_Why can’t I just talk to her?_

The knife clattered to the floor as I stood up and stumbled to the bathroom that was built off the side of the computer lab. I hastily scrubbed the blood off my arms, not caring about the stinging of the soap in my wounds. I opened the first aid kit on the wall and pulled out the bandages, wrapping them around my arms. _My uniform sleeves won’t last a second against these open cuts_ _._

As I finished wrapping my arms, I looked at myself in the mirror. Luckily, the very minimal amount of makeup I wear didn’t seem to be affected by my crying. _Hey, look! Your reflection in the mirror isn’t distorted for once! That’s good, right?_ I clutched my chest as the aching of my heart seemed to subside for the most part.

I rolled down my sleeves and retrieved the knife, cleaning my blood off of it. _Wouldn’t want anyone finding this, now, wouldn’t we?_

_God, I regret this. No matter what I say, Sayori is going to be worried, because my alibi isn’t going to be convincing enough, especially after the way I stormed out of there._

I sighed and slid the knife back into my pocket. I looked back in the mirror at my face. _They’re going to know you’ve been crying._ I grabbed a few paper towels and soaked them under the warm water before pressing it to my cheeks and under my eyes. _There. Now it looks like nothing ever happened. Perfect._

I took a deep, yet shaky breath, before stepping out of the computer lab and returning to the clubroom.

_It’s almost as if nothing ever happened._

 

**[=]**

 

I sighed in relief as I exited the school grounds. _Today has been utterly exhausting._ I’ve wanted nothing more than to lay down in my bed, drink some hot tea and read a book. And soon, I’ll be able to fulfil that want.

I wasted no time making my way home. I didn’t want to even _dare_ go near the other three after the meeting ended. Being in their presence opens opportunities for questions. And questions lead to lies, and lies lead to distrust.

_As if they even trusted me in the first place._

I stepped onto the porch of my house and fished my key out of my bag. It would seem my father is home, since the family car is sitting in the driveway. The car is a real beauty; [a 1968 Plymouth Sport Fury, painted a stunning violet color.](https://imgur.com/a/VpXULd9%3Ea) It’s been a hand me down car since my grandfather first bought it, and my family has worked to keep it in pristine condition.

As I unlocked the door, I suddenly remembered the old tradition we used to uphold. I haven’t done it in years, since my father is almost never around when I come home anyway. But it seems today is different.

Stepping inside, I called out, _“_ _Tadaima!”_

Without missing a beat, my father replied. _“Okaerinasai, Yuri!”_

Despite the horrible day I’ve had, just hearing him upholding our tradition for the first time in years is enough to put a smile on my face, even if it is temporary.

I immediately pulled off my shoes and left them by the door before setting my bag down on the bench in the dining room; my usual routine. Looking down, I notice my cat curling around my legs. 

“Hello, Jupiter!” I bent down and gently scratched behind his ears. He meowed happily at me in reply, and began purring. I scooped him up in my arms, not caring about getting his fur all over my uniform.

“How was your day, Yuri?” my father questioned as I walked into the living, my cat in my arms.

 _Tell him you had a bad day. That you fell asleep in class, and the teacher humiliated you. Tell him. Tell him all of it._ “It was alright.”

_Liar._

_A dirty, impulsive liar._

Jupi’s paw curled around my thumb. “It was just like any other day, really.” 

“Ah, I see.” _And the awkward small talk returns._ “ _Ittekimasu._ I’m gonna go for a ride in your future car, if that’s alright with you.” 

I nodded, gently putting Jupi down. “I thought you had to work today, Dad?”

“Oh, I did. They let us go early today, though. It was a slow day at work.” 

“I see.”

“Alright, stay safe, kiddo. I’ll be back soon.”

“Bye, Dad.”

I didn’t even dare to meet his eyes as he walked past me to leave.

It’s been this way for years; him avoiding my presence when I actually want to spend time with him, and vice versa. It’s nothing new, I suppose, but it’s still painful. It’s almost as if I don’t even have a father anymore.

Sighing, I retreated to my room, just as I do every day when I come home from school. I sat down on my bed and went over everything that happened today.

_I fell asleep in class because I stayed up so late last night._

_My teacher humiliated me in front of the entire class._

_Natsuki probably does not reciprocate my feelings._

_I have no clue if I even_ like _Natsuki anymore, or what I feel towards Sayori._

_My heart seems to have shattered into a million tiny, glass shards._

_I made a mess of my arms once more and lied about it._

_And I lied to my father._

_I did a lot of lying today. God…_

_I truly am a mess._

Deciding that I needed to do _something, anything,_ I went out and made myself some tea before heading into my bathroom. _Perhaps I should change things up a little bit and prepare myself a nice, relaxing bath._

I began to set everything up; candles, my phone connected to a speaker to play music, the bath, and my tea cup sitting next to the tub. I peeled off my uniform and bandages, folded it all neatly, and put it all on the bathroom counter. I eased into the bathtub, my arms stinging slightly. Eventually, my arms stopped aching, and I could finally enjoy a nice, peaceful bath.

I selected a playlist that I usually listened to when I needed something to calm down, and settled in. My mind began to wander as I bathed, from my mother, to Natsuki, to Sayori, to school, and eventually back to Natsuki and Sayori.

_God… I can’t even tell who I’m crushing on anymore. It’s all just a jumble of emotion._

I was so unbelievably upset and heartbroken that Natsuki didn’t kiss me on that night. I knew that depending on her actions, it would either make me or break me. Apparently, my preparation for rejection was not enough.

But then, Sayori…

As I wrote in my _Weather_ poem, I truly didn’t expect _Sayori,_ of all people, to be someone who could make me feel this way. It _scares_ me how much I think about her now. I simply cannot make eye contact with her at this point, because of how scared I am that I am going to drown in her eyes and fall completely in love with her. My chest aches when I’m around her. Not the dull, faint aching I feel around anyone I’m attracted to, but a _deep, painful_ ache. It’s why I have been reducing my arms to scar tissue more often than usual lately. The pain is simply more overwhelming than any other emotion I’ve felt. And hell, that sure is saying something, because every emotion I feel is overwhelming. I feel _way too much._

 _Oh, Sayori._ She’s such a bright person, that I never imagined something being wrong with her. But now that she’s shown me a least a bit of who she truly is, I can’t help but feel obliged to be there for her. Of course, even if I wasn’t feeling this way, I would drop everything to help her. She’s my _goddamn_ friend. But this urge, this _need_ to help her is stronger than ever.

When it comes to Natsuki, it seems like that burning flame of desire I held for her has had water poured on it. _Am I even in love with Natsuki anymore?_

Perhaps I am running on pure obsession over the two intimate kisses we shared that night. Or...

_Or maybe you’re falling for Sayori._

But my heart is already far too broken to love her. It was fragile before, with several cracks inside of it. Natsuki’s indirect rejection did it for me. I feel like I’m scrambling to glue all the pieces of my heart back together, but to no avail. Even if I did glue the shards of my heart back together, it wouldn’t be the same. A broken window, when fixed, is still _broken._ The cracks are still there. It’s _permanent._

Unless…

Was my heart ever made of glass in the first place?

Perhaps I’ve been looking at all of this in the wrong perspective. Maybe instead of glass, my heart is made of lego bricks. Natsuki’s indirect rejection may have left my heart in a state of disrepair, but maybe if I tear my heart apart, I will be able to rebuild it.

And maybe then, I will know what my heart desires.

Content with my plan on how to fix all of this, I closed my eyes, and allowed myself to enjoy the first calm moment I’ve had in three weeks and a day.

 

**[=]**

**_Two days later_ **

 

_Shlick. Shlick. Shlick._

_Why the hell am I doing this to myself? And now, of all times?_

Everything has been relatively smooth sailing the past two days. In fact, I finally figured out what I desired. I rebuilt my heart. I suppose I’m just anxious. I’ve decided that I wanted to finally confront Sayori about this entire thing. Perhaps that’s why I haven’t been able to put the knife down every time I pick it up for the past two days.

Despite that, I know now that tearing my heart down like a lego house and rebuilding it was necessary. My judgement was clouded by someone I didn’t truly love. Maybe at one point, I was actually in love with Natsuki. It’s entirely a possibility. I’ve had a crush on her since I joined the Literature Club. And now, I have taken the final steps to getting over her. 

I have every right to believe that Sayori kissing me was the last push I needed to finally get over my feelings I had for Natsuki. I just wish it didn’t take Sayori kissing me to realize her perfection and beauty. She was everything I didn’t expect; a goddess in plain sight. 

If only I had seen it in the first place, perhaps I wouldn’t have been such a mess over the entire thing. 

I looked down at my arms, surveying the damage. I didn’t slice up my arms nearly as bad as I did two days ago, but I did quite a lot of damage that I know I’m going to regret. With my knife still in hand, I wandered across the hall to the bathroom, quietly shutting the door behind me. _Wouldn’t want dear ole Dad to find you like this, huh?_

I turned the sink on, letting the water run for a moment, so it wasn’t so suspicious. I then swiftly cleaned the blood off the knife, before doing the same to my arms. After drying both the knife and my arms, I quickly wrapped my arms in bandages.

_I need some fresh air after all of this cutting and thinking._

Looking in the mirror, my face seemed to be distorted again. I couldn’t recognize the monster in my mirror. In an effort to change how I looked a bit, I put my hair into one long braid. I usually don’t do much to my hair aside from normal hygiene, but considering the fact that my distorted figure isn’t going to go away any time soon, I might as well make myself look a little different.

I stepped outside into the cold air, not caring that I was in a tank top and shorts. The cold is probably good for me anyway. It’s a better way to punish my body than slicing up my arms.

My destination was clear. Sayori had shown me this cliff that she used to go on as a child. It was on the way to her house, and it was basically in between where we both lived. The cliff wasn’t all too high, but if you weren’t careful, you’d fall down about twenty-five to thirty feet into a river. It was at the end of a path, and it had a great view that was worth seeing.

As I approached the cliff, I saw a familiar figure. _Well, what a coincidence._ Sayori’s voice seemed to echo off the trees on the path.

“Why does it have to be so hard?” I heard her say, clearly frustrated. “Why can’t I just be brave enough to say something? I just want to… I just want… _This isn’t fair!”_

 _I’ve been asking myself those same questions for three weeks now, Sayori._ I watched as she picked up a cobble from the ground before launching it into the chasm. Her legs were hanging off the edge of the cliff as I stopped behind her.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” _And I’m_ not _talking about the view from this cliff._

**Author's Note:**

> The tradition that Yuri describes here when she returns home is a reference to TacticalCupcake's Yuri POV fic, Violet Veils. Go give it a read, along with their other works, too.


End file.
